Port Dickson Triathlon 1.5 km Open Water Swim: Taming the Fear

Dedication

This post is dedicated to Cynthia Gan, who on 24 July 2011, against crazy odds, overcame her paralyzing phobia of swimming out to the deep unknown, and swam her first 1.5 km open water swim at the Port Dickson International Triathlon 2011. She went on to complete the bike and run and finished the triathlon (her first of what will be many) that day.

Summary of Post

I wrote this post for three reasons. As a written record of Cynthia’s first Olympic distance open water swim, as I remembered it, and corroborating with Misni and Lina’s account (they were on the beach). For Kash, because I know you wanted to be there in person for Cyn but could not. And also as an encouragement for those of you who are struggling with the fear of swimming in open water (sea/lake).

A Bit of Background

I first got to know Cynthia at the Hoohathlon 2011, a first mini-tri for us both. She was already an accomplished ultra-runner, but had floundered on the 150 m swim leg of the Hoohathlon. She had only learnt how to swim not long ago, and her water confidence was poor. I didn’t realize how terrified she was of deep water until the PD tri clinic, where together with Kash, we tried to encourage her to jump into the water off the jetty. She did get up the courage to dip her feet into the water, but no further. She did swim in the shallower water along the beach that day, but could not go deep.

That was the day I ‘adopted’ Cyn – I have three younger sisters whom I love to bits and you just gotta love this girl; also, seeing the fear written all over her face struck a chord in me because I myself am afraid of the water (I’m afraid of drowning, and although I love swimming, that fear has never really left). I was concerned because the PD Tri was only 2 weeks away. This girl had run 100 km – proof of her tenacity and mental strength. I know lots of people would think she wouldn’t have a problem overcoming any fear at all, but I understood that this Fear of Deep Water is a whole new other kinda monster.

Tri-ing For Me: Triathlon after Illness

I am going to do my first triathlon this year.

Just being able to say that makes me so grateful. I savor each word as it rolls off my tongue. A surge of emotion wells up deep within my chest, and I feel like I could burst.

My life before
Having been sick with a rare autoimmune illness for a third (9 years) of my life, I had been through some pretty difficult times. This illness struck me down suddenly and rapidly. I found myself in hospital, swollen, colicky and nauseous. I was poked, prodded and jabbed, and underwent an interesting kidney biopsy where a few choice pieces of my left kidney were cut out from me while I observed the entire procedure. 'Henoch Schonlein Purpura' was what the doctors said. Statistically speaking, I would lose kidney function in 10 years, would have to be on corticosteroids for the rest of my life.

Gracie  back in those days, with puffy steroid-induced moon face.

For the next 9 years I was consumed with finding a cure. I tried every diet you could think of, every therapy out there (you can read about my gastronomic mis-adventures here) The doctors couldn't really tell me why I was sick, much less what I needed to do to get better. I continued to work, and completed my Ms and PhD degrees, during this time. I stayed active, but could no longer participate in many of the outdoor activities that I loved - any overly strenuous physical activity caused my kidneys to start acting up. I was constantly holding back, always having to remind myself to take it easy, not push too hard.

Fear
There was something about being chronically ill and in pain that changed the person I was. I became afraid. Afraid to push myself too hard. Afraid to eat foods that I thought (rightly or wrongly) were bad for me. My long-term use of the corticosteroids caused my skin to become paper thin, and I became afraid of falling or hurting myself. I bruised easily. I had developed osteopenia (early stage osteoporosis) and was fearful of falling. It was a sick fear that permeated my psyche, and despite my naturally optimistic and positive personality, this fear was constantly present. (you can read 'me and my steroids' here)

Fight
I felt I was fighting for my life, and time was running out for me. I relapsed frequently, each relapse worsening my already fragile health and further damaging my kidneys. Eventually I developed multiple chemical sensitivities and allergies to everything from perfumes, newsprint, car exhaust, you name it. I felt helpless as my world became smaller and smaller. I hardly dared to venture out of my safe house for fear of being exposed to odors and other substances that made me horribly ill. Even taking the steroids ceased to help.

Turning Point
I somehow managed to complete my PhD and executed an elaborate plan to keep myself alive in a new safe office and safe home. I spent my after work hours scouring medical journals, reading extensively about weaning off steroids and building adrenal sufficiency. After 3 months on an Atkins-type high protein diet, I was successfully reducing the steroid doses. And after 8 months, I was steroid-free!

Today
Nearly one year later, I still can barely believe that I am free of medication, and show no signs of illness or sensitivity whatsoever. I am cured!

So.

I am going to do my first triathlon this year.

xo Gracie

(Note: I unfortunately had my worst relapse a few months later following a family crisis but recovered somewhat after almost two years. I recently completed a mini-triathlon and went on to complete my first sprint triathlon too! This is the hand I've been dealt and I'll play it the best I can. I'm just grateful to be alive. Grace, 25 July 2011).